Starting Over

We are sad to share the news that our adoption has fallen through. On Friday Christian and I made the very difficult decision to walk away from this. Beginning about three weeks ago we began to have problems with our birthmother that initially seemed to be nothing more than some emotional stress. However, as time passed her behavior became more and more erratic and it began to take a serious toll on us. Last Thursday, our birthmother had a very important meeting with her attorney scheduled and she just simply did not show up. She didn't call with any explanation as to why she was not there and failed to return any phone calls from him after the fact. This was a meeting to discuss finding the baby's birthfather. Her attorney contacted ours on Friday morning suggesting that Chris and I walk away from this. It was his opinion that we had been deceived by our birthmother regarding what the birthfather knew and did not know and how involved he may have wanted to be in the life of his child. We were advised to stop all financial support immediately and consider terminating the relationship altogether so as to avoid any severe heartache later on. We spoke to our attorney Friday morning for about an hour and came to the same conclusion ourselves. We called the adoption agency and let our coordinator, Maxine, know about the situation and seek her opinion as well. She had her own stories regarding our birthmother's erratic behavior in messages and calls she had received in recent weeks. Maxine agreed that this was on track to end very badly for us.

This was not an easy decision for us to make and we are struggling to make since of this now. I have been feeling uneasy for several weeks now and began to feel disconnected for our birthmother and the baby. It's so hard to explain, but I believe that what I felt was God telling me this wasn't going to be the baby for us. I shared my feelings with Christian who is much more an optimist than me, and he was set that this was going to be fine and it would all work out. These past few days have been harder on him. We are both feeling a loss beyond what I can convey. We are grieving the loss of that baby boy and are working through the emotions.

We did have a nice surprise come our way a few weeks ago that has become our miracle and our little ray of sunshine in the midst of so much heartache. We found out that we are pregnant. I can name about half a dozen doctors who assured us we would not be able to get pregnant. We were stunned to find out we had managed to get pregnant on our own. We were double stunned because it came after we had been chosen by a birthmother. After the shock passed we began to embrace having two little ones just months apart in age. Now that the adoption has fallen through we are looking forward to January when our baby is due. After much prayer we decided to go back on the waiting list for another adoption and are leaving it in God's hands as to whether or not we will be chosen again. If we are not picked in the next few months then we will postpone the adoption for a while so we can focus on our pregnancy. We believe that we have been chosen to be adoptive parents and this is something we feel called to do.

This is has been an emotional roller coaster for us these past few weeks but we will keep y'all posted. Thank you for your prayers and support.